Friday, September 5, 2014

Falling Fowl Feces

The Fail: I was riding my bike in Australia (circa 2009) and recall a specific place where a small thud hit the back of my helmet.  Upon inspection, I learned I had been pooped on, you know, by a bird. It was gross, but at least not this gross.

After that experience (and watching that video), I have taken measures to minimize chance encounters with avian fecal matter.

There's really only two rules to follow to avoid bird blasts:

  1. Directly observe birds.  If you see a bird, stationary or in motion, take care to not be under it or any vector at which a projectile poop could propel to your person.  Birds lack sphincter muscles and simply can't control when or where they go.
  2. Indirectly observe birds.  If you are walking and see a concentration of bird poop on the ground, you can be sure at least one bird hangs out directly over that spot, be it a tree branch, lamp post, or power line.  I have found it worth it to habitually imagine such spots as impassible pillars (of poop!) and walk around them, even when inconvenient or embarrassing.  It's better to explain "I don't like getting pooped on." and seem odd than to actually get pooped on. I promise.
I just took a short walk through a park near my office - a walk I take so often I know all the path's "poop pillars" - and walked around a speckled spot of stool as a turd tumbled from the tree above. So, as of today, I've tied up the score. 

Hank: 1
Birds: 1

PS Sorry this is my second poop-related post in a row.

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